Since there’s been a lot of speculation about whether Donald Trump will leave a letter of “welcome” on Joe Biden’s Inauguration Day, Laura and I have had a lot of fun imagining a satirical one that would be “in-character” for the blustering Donald Trump in the inimitable way that he expresses his confused thoughts.
Dear SJ (Sleepy Joe),
As you and my fellow Americans know BIGLY, concessions are not my thing, as I’ve shown you before. But then, since I WIN, WIN, WIN, when I’m treated FAIRLY and results are not RIGGED like this election that I DIDN’T lose (!), I’m not used to making concession speeches. But since I’m the “Great Unifier” and I love my country, I’ll give you some advice from one President to the other (even though YOU CHEATED and so aren’t really the president!).
As I’m mostly used to 140 characters (or less); lengthy correspondences are not my thing, so I’ll keep this short.
If you want to succeed, do what I did over the past 4 years: don’t ask, “what can I do for my country?’, but “what can my country do for me”.
My advice for your term in office, however long you may survive (not long if I can help it—because I WON!!), would be to continue my policies, beginning with ‘passing the buck’. Don’t, and I repeat, ‘never’ allow yourself to be in a compromised position. So keep your calls brief and coded when conferencing with other nations.
Maintain strong alliances with (former) Communist countries. You need to make friends with dictators, and write love letters to them (BTW, Kim Jung-un wrote me a BEAUTIFUL letter where he told me that I’m the GREATEST president since Lincoln! And that maybe, I’m even better!!). Who knows, you may need these friends in the event of a nuclear threat. This way, you’ll have the superiority of a bartering plan, one which I’ve set in place, and that you should continue.
Double down on my ‘victim culture’ mentality and never allow any group – political or otherwise, to accuse you of revving up the extremists. Remind people that there are some “very fine people” on both sides—even the ones wearing the swastikas; they love OUR COUNTRY! Blame ‘them’ for inciting you. You are the leader of the free world, and no one can or will accuse you of stirring up trouble. And never forget that you’re the BOSS, so every insult is PERSONAL!!
Sadly, Joe, your fan base will not love you the way mine did. As you know, they LOVE me because I’m the BEST EVER! But remember to cultivate your people in both the House and Senate because they’re your rock and they don’t care if you tell the truth or not. I’ll be happy to offer you advice for a small “referral fee”.
I find that my fans love Kool-Aid, so make sure to offer them large glasses when they come to see you in the Oval Office. Make sure they drink it to the last drop. And then, once you have them on your side, make a plan, no matter how preposterous/ fake/ unlikely to appeal to ‘all sides’. Did you see how GREAT I am at getting away with that shit? Boy, do they eat it up! It’s like no one’s ever seen before!
Oh yeah, stay clear of the Paris Accord, and deny, deny, deny climate change… insisting that it still snows in China, and rains on (my) golf courses (at optimum times throughout the year) – insuring greener grass, for all purposes.
Presuming that you’re not affiliated with outside interests, as evidenced in your sleepy behavior, golf and other sports would have no place in the agenda of your administration. However, as the country is aging, you may consider encouraging paddleball as the national pastime. Oh yeah, and while you “decompress” on some days like I did, make sure to complain that being President is such a hard job that it doesn’t leave you a free minute for leisure. You’re not like Obama who played golf! For God’s sake!
And don’t forget to get a stranglehold on some television program (I suggest CNN for you!) so you can call in every morning and bully them and talk shit.
And finally, I want to implore you not to alarm the American people with the nonsense that the pandemic is on the rise. As I know better than ALL those creepy scientists (especially that Fauci midget), it’s nothing more than the common flu, with a slight uptick in breathing effort. If I can survive, anyone can.
And on that note, I wish you as devoted a following as I’ve had the privilege of enjoying. No one’s ever seen such LOVE, everyone says so! Let’s hope that they give you the same BLIND DEVOTION, and let you do whatever only you know is the BEST thing for your BRAND first, and the country, second. No one knows how to do that like ME! You know Joe, “The Apprentice” is still the HIGHEST-RATED program in the history of television! Ever!
Break a leg,
Donald J. Trump